May 1 2013
3
01
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/May
/2013
00:43
I have been watching a lot of videos today. All these videos make me question where God is. So the first video I watched was regarding the 1974 riots. The culprit was released. The relatives of all those people who were killed were super mad. There was one lady who was crying very badly. She said that 11 people from her family were killed. They were burnt alive and they even went in the court as witnesses and they were promised justice. But here comes the day that they all were waiting for and nothing was done. It is just horrible when I see stuff like this happening all around me. The lady was saying that the judge was not a good man. And that the government is blind and deaf. They are just sitting there doing nothing. And then this other lady pops in and says that she has also lost every man in her family. It just broke my heart to see all that. I mean how can someone suffer for years and still not get justice. What happens to the bad people who exist in this world? I mean I see bad people all the time but nothing ever happens to them. It is so strange. All the good people in this world suffer so much because of those idiots. I really want to know what is going to happen to all those judges, politicians, police officers and the culprits who were involved in that case.
Then I watched this movie called The Boy in the Striped Pyjamas. It was about the Nazis and the Jews. It was an emotional movie. When you watch it, you cannot believe that someone can seriously do something like that. Hitler was such a jerk. I am sure that he is in hell. Millions of Jews were just burnt alive in those concentration camps. I mean how can they do that. Why can’t people be empathetic? They should really put themselves in the other person’s place and feel what will happen if they do something. World is evil. I wish I could make this world a better place to live in.
Then I was watching Veer Zara. After looking at how the inspector was treating SRK, it just made me wonder that there must be so many prisoners in this whole world who are innocent and they are being treated so badly. It breaks my heart. I don’t know where God is . He doesn’t really listen to us. Somebody gave me my eyelash and asked me to make a wish. But I threw it away and said wishes don’t come true. I have these sides of me. On one hand, I ask God and the in the other hand, I know that wishes don’t come true. I am stuck in this country. Can’t go home. If I do then won’t be able to come back. Ugh! Frustrates me like hell. But can’t really do anything. If God is there, then that rule will be passed soon. If not then I will just have to live with this reality.
Published by sugarplumrabz
April 8 2013
1
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/2013
12:54
It is 4:40 in the morning. I wanted to go to bed at 4 but oh well.. I always do this thing. I never go to bed on time. It was kind of hot in my room. So I opened my window. I was amazed by the wind that was blowing. There is a particular smell of air that I just love. I was not able to see anything so I just turned on the light. I was in such a good mood. But it kind of changed. I guess I love when it is dark in my room. I love night time for some reason. I love when you are on a hill top and can see all the lights of the city. I love Mumbai. When you stand on te top of a building, you can see all the cars going super fast, all the lights on. The same thing is with NYC. I just love that kind of life and those cities. I would love to live in a city like that.
Oh no!! I was writing about something else and then this light topic popped up in my mind and I started writing about this.
Oh well..I am getting back to the previous topic. So I was telling you that I love darkness and the smell of air. Right now, my window is open and that smell is in my room. OMG!! I JUST LOVE IT!! I guess the reason behind it is that when I was in Goa, it used to rain a lot there. And my boyfriend was with me all that time. I just loved being around him and I think this smell reminds of all the good times spent with him. I don't really think about him when I smell this. But it is just that I relate this smell to romance. I just feel much happier :) See.. I am happy right now and listening to a song:
I remember walking on my terrace back home at night. I used to do it everyday because i used to call my boyfriend at that time. I remember this smell. It used to make me happy. I love rains! It is super romantic. It has always been my wish to kiss a guy in the rain.:) That wish hasn't come true yet. But someday, I think it will.
I love this song.:) I am feeling so peaceful at this time.I feel so light. I feel like if I lay down, I will be lifted up in the air. This smell is just full of romance. I wish it would smell the same for the whole day. I feel like everything is just perfect in this world at this time of the night. May be because it is night time. It so peaceful. I would love to live in a place where it would be just night time. That will be awesome! :) I love my life :) It is wonderful! :) I feel so content right now. I can feel the breeze touching my skin.:)
Published by sugarplumrabz
April 7 2013
7
07
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/April
/2013
13:47
I have been super pissed lately. It is so hard to live alone in these developed countries. You can not trust anyone. Everybody uses you. You just get used every freaking minute. And my Mom has made me so dumb. I don’t know why. I called her and asked her why am I like this. I always do good for people and in return, they use me. There is this girl from Nepal, who never ever texts me unless she needs something. Well.. I will tell her story some other day. Right now what I am thinking is that life is super hard. Our lives are super hard and we should all be called Super men and Super women. There is not even one person on this whole planet earth who does not have any problems. Man!! This life changes us over time! I just looked at myself in the mirror today. I look super old. I look ugly. The day I came in this country, I was so young, cheerful and bubbly. But that cheerful Rabia is not there anymore. I had so many problems in India. But after coming here, I realized what life really is. When a person you don't know tries to burn your face, stabs your hand, burns your transcripts, doesn't let you eat food, that is the time you realize what kind of a life you are living. When somebody scares you at night to that point that you are forced to pack your stuff and run away from that place. I did not have my Mom with me. I called her up and cried like hell. She was hundred miles away from me and could not do anything. Now I realize how she must have felt when she called me a few days ago and told me about my Dad. I was freaking out and was crying because she needed me at that time but I just could not go back home and be with my Angel. It is the worst feeling in this whole world when your loved ones need you but you can not be there with them. Me and my Mom worship God so much. I chant Hanuman Chalisa every morning but I just feel like God sits up there, looks at me and just laughs at me. He doesn't help me at all. I have been struggling a lot with my chemistry class. I know that I prepared well for my exam. I did all the micro exams, all DLC's and mastering chemistry assignments. But still I did not get a good score. Now I just don't care about my final exam because I know that no matter what I do, I am not going to score well. It is just the same thing with my green card. Never in my life did I think that someday, I will come to US and get stuck here. I thought life will be easier. But I was wrong. Life just gets harder as you grow old. Today, I am stuck in this stupid country. I want to go back home for a month or so and take rest. I am sick of working, walking and studying like a crazy person with no friends and family around. I am sick of cooking food. I am sick of cleaning my room and dishes. I am sick of keeping track of my payroll and the money that I spend. For Lord sake Man!! I am just 19. I can not deal with so many things at one time. It is frustrating! People enjoy at my age. And I am working like an animal!
I wish I could help people with problems. I can not see people in pain. I want to cry right now but my tears are not coming out and I am having this weird pain in my heart. My chest is heavy. I want to live my life. I am a kid. I want to enjoy. I want to look pretty again. I wish I could get my answers. Why is life so hard? Why???
Look at the difference in my appearance. This happened in just a year and a half of living in the United States.
Published by sugarplumrabz
April 4 2013
4
04
/04
/April
/2013
22:13
I slept at 6 this morning and woke up at 8. I was doing my homework and dancing to this song :
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CHIGJ8sRWIM
It is 2 p.m and I feel refreshed. I am really very happy today for some reason. All these fun loving songs are playing at the back of my mind. I am dancing while sitting and even while walking. I am just too happy for some reason. I want to go back home. But my Mom said to me this morning that if I go back right now, first of all it will take 2 years for me to get into a good college because I have not done my high school from India. More than that, people will be happy to see that I have come back and that I am not studying in the United States anymore. There are so many people who are jealous of me. My own relatives don't talk to me. They feel inferior to me. And then so many people will taunt my Mom. There are just too many problems. I know that if I go home right now, then I will never be able to come in this country ever again because my green card is in process. And I don’t know how many years it is going to take for that stupid green card to come. So for now, I am just going to hang in here and study for my Mom. Well... I am not going to study after this semester. I am going to work full time this spring/ summer. My MOM and sister are coming to stay with me for a month in May. So I am going to work as much as I can and save tons of money so that we can shop together and have fun. I want my Mom to enjoy life when she comes here. Last time when she came here, it was too cold t o do anything. It was snowing. But this time, it is going to be warmer. I guess I should say it is going to be too hot. But we will manage. I want to take my Mom to a lot of places where she can try different foods. I will take her to laser tagging place and play games with her. It is going to be so much fun. I am super excited for her to come.
That reminds me of an incident that took place 3-4 days ago. I was talking to my Mom..I talk a lot. And I really mean it. You should ask my friends. Jeez! I get like 1200 international minutes every month. And this time I finished all of them in a span of mere 8 days. I had to get it recharged again.) But yes. I was talking to my Mom and she said that she will just stay with for like 2 days and then go to California to stay with my step dad. He is such a big jerk. Ugh! I don’t even like to mention his name. I hate him like hell. Oh well.. I did not say anything to my Mom but I was crying. I always say I love you Mama. But I did not say anything and just said take care. After I hung up, I was crying for 2 hours straight. My Mom is my life. Really! She is my world! But I understand her position too. The step dad can report to the immigration office and take away her green card. She cannot make him unhappy. Whatever she is doing, she is doing for me. I love her to death. SHE IS A SUPER MOM!
Published by sugarplumrabz
February 23 2012
4
23
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/February
/2012
09:01
Hey Matthew!!
I think this is my last post related to you.I have been thinking a lot about you.But the fact is,you don't know me.You on't know anything about me except my name.So I don't know what was I thinking before.A guy who just knows my name,how can he love me.I was just acting like a jerk.I'm really very sorry about that.I know that you are a great person and perfect for me.But I am not perfect for you.You know,I have a lot of dreams that I have to fulfil.But I don't have any dream that is related to me.I want to give happiness to all the people I know.I just don't want anything for myself.I don't even know if I am going to marry or not.May be I'll just live with my mom.I don't know anything.The only thing that I know right now is that I don't expect anything from you.I'll not try to forget you.I love you a lot.Your face just comes in front of my eyes all the time.But I'm not going to force you for anything.I'll email you my blog's address.I'll ask you to read it.I hope you'll read it one day.But I will not ask you to unblock me on facebook or reply to any of my messages.Just ignore me.We have different backgrounds.And I'm not a good person.I'm not perfect for anyone.I'll stay alone.I want you but I don't think that I'll ever get you.So stay happy.Enjoy your life.And forget me.All the best for your life.Love you.take care.
Published by sugarplumrabz
February 15 2012
3
15
/02
/February
/2012
11:56
I went with Ma'am in the morning to watch The Vow.It was such a good movie.Then went to Round Table Pizza.Had the Hawaiin pizza and bread sticks.Came home.I just love her so much.Im so thankful to God for her,
While watching the movie,in place of Channing Tatum, Matthew's face was coming to my mind.I was thinking about him the whole time.I wish he was there with me today.But I did not cry as I had been doing the last week.I just find him so perfect that I don't feel like getting over him.I just know that I love him wthout knowing anything about him.
I was watching some videos on youtube which were related to our Church.They were all so cute.The first one was about a couple.All of them were about families.I have never got my Dad's love.So when ever I watch something like that,I always feels that my kids should get that thing.I wish that I can marry you someday Matthew.It would be so great.My dreams are quite crazy.I want a life where we would never fight and just remain happy forever.I wish I get you next year.You are just the best Sweetheart.You really are the best.Miss u a lot Matt.hope you reply to my email.take care
Published by sugarplumrabz
February 11 2012
6
11
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/February
/2012
10:43
Today was a good day.I had my lesson at 1.It was a good time with Elder Rasmussen and Elder Poll.Then I was with Ma'am.Then was with my Mom and sister.Came hom and cleaned my room.The clock struck 6.I was sitting with my laptop.I was listening to sad songs.I really wish I had a boyfriend.I am just so lonely.I want someone who can hug me and make me feel good.I want someone whose hand I can grab at any time.I cried a lot.I just wish you were here Matt.I don't know if you love me or not.It would have ben so good if I knew that there was any chance of me beinf your girlfriend,It really sucks when love is one sided.Anyways.I don't know what is going to happen.I got admission in BYU Idaho.I wanted you to be the first person with whom I wanted to share the news with.But then I thought that I'm going to email you on 14th.So I don't want you to feel that I'm insane or a nutcase.I wish I could listen to your voice.I wish you were my boyfriend.It would have been fun waiting for you if I knew something from your side.But right now my love life just sucks.I can't make it out what to do.My ex bf is there in India.I just want you.Don't know why..:(..Love you..take care.Wish you wre my Valentine this year..
Published by sugarplumrabz
February 4 2012
6
04
/02
/February
/2012
06:25
Hey Matthew!!
I'm missing you a lot today.Have sent you an email.But I don't know if you will reply or not.
You know,you are such a nice person.You are just the best,cutest and out of the world.I don't really think that you will ever become my boyfriend because you are way too perfect.And I'm not so lucky that I'll get you.You are full of life.When you were here,I always used to remain really very happy.I felt like I had known you from a long time.I wish you were here or I could talk to you when ever I wanted.I'm not having a good day:'(
My Mom was staying over here.But she has moved to a new apartment with my sister and uncle.I want to stay with her but I cant stay with my stepdad.I am missing her a lot.I'm feeling very lonely:'(
I really wish you were mine!!
But I know that your transfer took place for a reason.If you would have stayed back,I would have not been able to concentrate on the lessons.I just used to look at you.Your eyes are just magical.I admire them so much.I just love the colour of your eyes.I have just been looking at your pictures.I know I'm acting crazy.I don't even know what you feel about me.But I just love you so much.I'm insane!!
I'm having the feeling that I will not get admission in BYU.I wish you were here.I wish I could hug you.I wish I could go for long walks with you.I wish we could go on long drives at night.Would have been so good.I don't know what's there in my future.I just want you to be happy.I don't expect anything from you becasue you don't even know me.
You know,I'm having your phone number,your address etc.I saw your house on google maps.You have a beautiful house.
Take care sweet heart.Hope you are in good health.love you Matthew..<3<3
Published by sugarplumrabz
January 24 2012
2
24
/01
/January
/2012
12:58
Matthew,I need you..:'(..very badly..Went to Church yesterday...felt peace..cried a lot but it was a good day..but now again I'm depressed..:'(..I wish I could get you...But I don't think that you will accept my proposal ever..I'm sorry for everything ..:'(..I feel like dying..I want to see you:'(..I want to hear your voice...
Your words keep on buzzing in my mind...Hey Rabia!where are you going...I can't just forget your words..:'(..
The innocence in your eyes..I miss you so much..:'(..
Published by sugarplumrabz
January 22 2012
7
22
/01
/January
/2012
14:58
Matt, it was not a good day..:(..It has been a whole week since I last saw you,And it is so depressing to think that I will not be able to see you for 14 months.:(
I don't know anything about you.But still I just llove yu so much.I really wish that I get an email from your side.I know you can't say anything,But still..I don't know what to say:(
I'll probably get a car next month.So will try to come to Oroville.I will hide and look at you.I really want to meet you..I can't concentrate on my homework.I really miss you a lot..:'(..I just sit and cry..miss you Matthew..take care..love you:(
Published by sugarplumrabz
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