17/12/2011

Yesterday,me and my boyfriend were talking so happily over phone.Before his exam and after his exam also.I told him to talk to me after one and a half hour after his exam.But he called up after two and a half hours.He was just roaming aroung with his friends.But being a good girlfriend,I did not yell at him.I was like it's ok.Let it be.But when I told him that Karissa has invited me to go to the mall with her,he said yes.And then he got angry.I just don't understand why the hell women are not given equal rights as men in this fucking world.I don't know why some people act like total jerks at times.ugh!! I am just too frustrated.

He started disrespecting me and said that I should let him sleep.I was like fine.Go to hell.But this was all im my mind.I don't shout at him.I don't like that anyone should shout at his loved one.It is an insane thing to do.

And,in the morning,he said a wonderful thing.After fighting with me and telling me that he hates me like anything,he asked me to do one stupid thing.I wonder how can someone be so barmy...ugh!!!

He asked me not to text or call him for next two months...I was like what the hell you are saying.Have you lost it...He said this is the first time I have asked for anything.And I was like just go where ever you feel like.Go to hell!!!

Ofcourse I did not say this.I was so depressed that I got demoralized.I said he is a prince and I am a bitch.I can never get someone like him.And I said that I will try not to talk to him ever in my life!!

I wonder if that's possible..

He was so happy and ok with it. I told him to make as many gfs as he want.I said taht he can kiss them..do anything except having sex with all those girls.And he promised that.He was acting like a bugger.ugh!!! And he said that I should make a male friend over here.Just a friend.Holy Crap!!!!!

He said I should talk to him on 17th feb.And it's Valentine's Day on 14th feb.I feel like killing myself...:'( I just wonder how can a person not like me...:'(..Every person in this world likes me.Except for my own father..my ex best friend..her boyfriend..,this whole world likes me.People love me so much.There are so many guys who are crazy for me.There are so many rich and handsome guys who have asked me out.After coming to US also there is not even one person who hates me.I am not boasting or something.It's just the truth which I have never accepted.This is the first timee I have ever said this to myself.And I am worth that love.I am not cheeky.I'm not even a nutter.It's just that I am a good girl.I don't have any bad habits or something.I'm not even a spoilt person.There is just no reason of not loving me.Not even one reason.

I have started going for long walks just because my bf likes slim girls.I came to US just because I wanted to marry him.People never understand the feelings of others.They just keep their head up.They think they are always right.But the truth is,they are not right every time.If a girl goes out with her gfs,it does not mean that she is spoilt.It does not mean that she has changed or anything.I feel like cutting my nerves.I just want to rest in peace..:'(

I was like ok..Nevermind.Now I will study.I will try and relax my mind.2 months..no big deal.I will try and forget that person.Just because he hates me,I can't trouble him anymore.If he would have loved me truely,he would have never disrespected me.The way he always acts when he is angry..He would have never acted in that manner. Sometimes I feel that he is like my dad.He was like my bf..rather I should say he is.He is still alive.The only differences are that my bf does not go outside and have sex with other girls.My bf belongs to a very good family and he does not drink.Rest..everything is the same.He shouts at me every now and then.He never feels that I am a girl.And it hurts me when he shouts at me.It hurts when a fear strikes my mind that if I marry this guy,he might slap me or just beat me up when he gets angry..:'(...When it comes to men, I have always been very unlucky:'(..

A father who always abused me..slapped me...used to beat me up like anything...No real brother who could save me and my Mom from my father.A bf who always shouts at me.And he never realizes how much pain he is giving me.When ever I tell him that it hurts,he says that I was the one who said yes when you were plumpy 4 and a half years ago.He says that I don't like that I go out over here.And then he said that my mom should see what I am doing.I wonder what I ma doing over here which is against my values.There is nothing I have done so far.

I always wanted a guy who would love me like a crazy person.Who would laugh when I commit mistakes.A person who would say yes to everything I say.I don't feel like getting married:'(..I don't know what will I do..my life is messed up.

After my bf left..I tried to concentrate on other things.After filling up my FAFSA aaplication,I watched The American Beauty.But halfway..I stopped watching it and laid on bed.To my surprise,I could not sleep.I was feeling something which can not be explained in words.I just tossed up on my bed.I curled up..But nothing worked for me.It was like something very heavy has been kept on my heart.I could not breath properly.At last..I woke up..sat on my bed..called up my bf..I can not live without him..:'(..

I wanted to tell him that I just can not live without you.But he switched off his cell..and then I think it was on silent mode..I called up so many times..But he never picked it up...I was s o frustrated..I felt like throwing his phone at him..I felt like baeting him up to death.I felt like stabbing him with a knife.I felt like cutting his throat with a knife...I want to know the reason why he doesn't like me.I have evrything in me.Then why??? I wish my death comes soon.I just can't die.I have my Mom..who doesn't have anyone in this world except me:'(..I know she is married now..But even she doesn't like my step father:'(..Me and my mom..we both have been unlucky when it has come to males in our lives..:'(..I will never stop cursing myself for her terrible situation..It was just for me that she never divorced my father.She knew from the first day of their marriage that he is an asshole.She always knew that he is a prat..But she never wanted me to question her when I grow up that why did you leave my father...And after she knew that I was old enough to see what exactly my father does..she gave him a divorce..That too for saving him from a case in which my father was stuck..I wonder how can someone sacrifice so much.She did not divorce him to get rid off him.But just to save him.To keep him secure.Inspite of knowing that he had so many extra marital affairs..he slept with w new girl every night...he did not give a single penny at home..

And then she got married to a person..a stranger..just for me...just because she wanted me to settle down in US..without struggling for anything..Now also she is trying to save money for my college..She was supposed to buy a new car.But she did notbuy it because she has to pay my college fee...My poor Ma...:'(..I wish I become a good doctor one day..I wish I could repay what all she has done for me...I just can't die..I can't:'(..Only I am there for Mom..she just loves me..she doesn't love my sister..she does not give  a damn to my new dad...:'(

I don't know what I am going to do now.I just don't have anyone who can understand me.I have so many dreams.I don't think that there is any guy who will be like my dream boy.May be I should not think much.Being single is much better..Nobody can shout at me..nobody can abuse me..nobody can beat me up.It's my life.And I will live for my Mom.I will study for her...:'(