sugarplumrabz's name

Yesterday,me and my boyfriend were talking so happily over phone.Before his exam and after his exam also.I told him to talk to me after one and a half hour after his exam.But he called up after two and a half hours.He was just roaming aroung with his friends.But being a good girlfriend,I did not yell at him.I was like it's ok.Let it be.But when I told him that Karissa has invited me to go to the mall with her,he said yes.And then he got angry.I just don't understand why the hell women are not given equal rights as men in this fucking world.I don't know why some people act like total jerks at times.ugh!! I am just too frustrated.

He started disrespecting me and said that I should let him sleep.I was like fine.Go to hell.But this was all im my mind.I don't shout at him.I don't like that anyone should shout at his loved one.It is an insane thing to do.

And,in the morning,he said a wonderful thing.After fighting with me and telling me that he hates me like anything,he asked me to do one stupid thing.I wonder how can someone be so barmy...ugh!!!

He asked me not to text or call him for next two months...I was like what the hell you are saying.Have you lost it...He said this is the first time I have asked for anything.And I was like just go where ever you feel like.Go to hell!!!

Ofcourse I did not say this.I was so depressed that I got demoralized.I said he is a prince and I am a bitch.I can never get someone like him.And I said that I will try not to talk to him ever in my life!!

I wonder if that's possible..

He was so happy and ok with it. I told him to make as many gfs as he want.I said taht he can kiss them..do anything except having sex with all those girls.And he promised that.He was acting like a bugger.ugh!!! And he said that I should make a male friend over here.Just a friend.Holy Crap!!!!!

He said I should talk to him on 17th feb.And it's Valentine's Day on 14th feb.I feel like killing myself...:'( I just wonder how can a person not like me...:'(..Every person in this world likes me.Except for my own father..my ex best friend..her boyfriend..,this whole world likes me.People love me so much.There are so many guys who are crazy for me.There are so many rich and handsome guys who have asked me out.After coming to US also there is not even one person who hates me.I am not boasting or something.It's just the truth which I have never accepted.This is the first timee I have ever said this to myself.And I am worth that love.I am not cheeky.I'm not even a nutter.It's just that I am a good girl.I don't have any bad habits or something.I'm not even a spoilt person.There is just no reason of not loving me.Not even one reason.

I have started going for long walks just because my bf likes slim girls.I came to US just because I wanted to marry him.People never understand the feelings of others.They just keep their head up.They think they are always right.But the truth is,they are not right every time.If a girl goes out with her gfs,it does not mean that she is spoilt.It does not mean that she has changed or anything.I feel like cutting my nerves.I just want to rest in peace..:'(

I was like ok..Nevermind.Now I will study.I will try and relax my mind.2 months..no big deal.I will try and forget that person.Just because he hates me,I can't trouble him anymore.If he would have loved me truely,he would have never disrespected me.The way he always acts when he is angry..He would have never acted in that manner. Sometimes I feel that he is like my dad.He was like my bf..rather I should say he is.He is still alive.The only differences are that my bf does not go outside and have sex with other girls.My bf belongs to a very good family and he does not drink.Rest..everything is the same.He shouts at me every now and then.He never feels that I am a girl.And it hurts me when he shouts at me.It hurts when a fear strikes my mind that if I marry this guy,he might slap me or just beat me up when he gets angry..:'(...When it comes to men, I have always been very unlucky:'(..

A father who always abused me..slapped me...used to beat me up like anything...No real brother who could save me and my Mom from my father.A bf who always shouts at me.And he never realizes how much pain he is giving me.When ever I tell him that it hurts,he says that I was the one who said yes when you were plumpy 4 and a half years ago.He says that I don't like that I go out over here.And then he said that my mom should see what I am doing.I wonder what I ma doing over here which is against my values.There is nothing I have done so far.

I always wanted a guy who would love me like a crazy person.Who would laugh when I commit mistakes.A person who would say yes to everything I say.I don't feel like getting married:'(..I don't know what will I do..my life is messed up.

After my bf left..I tried to concentrate on other things.After filling up my FAFSA aaplication,I watched The American Beauty.But halfway..I stopped watching it and laid on bed.To my surprise,I could not sleep.I was feeling something which can not be explained in words.I just tossed up on my bed.I curled up..But nothing worked for me.It was like something very heavy has been kept on my heart.I could not breath properly.At last..I woke up..sat on my bed..called up my bf..I can not live without him..:'(..

I wanted to tell him that I just can not live without you.But he switched off his cell..and then I think it was on silent mode..I called up so many times..But he never picked it up...I was s o frustrated..I felt like throwing his phone at him..I felt like baeting him up to death.I felt like stabbing him with a knife.I felt like cutting his throat with a knife...I want to know the reason why he doesn't like me.I have evrything in me.Then why??? I wish my death comes soon.I just can't die.I have my Mom..who doesn't have anyone in this world except me:'(..I know she is married now..But even she doesn't like my step father:'(..Me and my mom..we both have been unlucky when it has come to males in our lives..:'(..I will never stop cursing myself for her terrible situation..It was just for me that she never divorced my father.She knew from the first day of their marriage that he is an asshole.She always knew that he is a prat..But she never wanted me to question her when I grow up that why did you leave my father...And after she knew that I was old enough to see what exactly my father does..she gave him a divorce..That too for saving him from a case in which my father was stuck..I wonder how can someone sacrifice so much.She did not divorce him to get rid off him.But just to save him.To keep him secure.Inspite of knowing that he had so many extra marital affairs..he slept with w new girl every night...he did not give a single penny at home..

And then she got married to a person..a stranger..just for me...just because she wanted me to settle down in US..without struggling for anything..Now also she is trying to save money for my college..She was supposed to buy a new car.But she did notbuy it because she has to pay my college fee...My poor Ma...:'(..I wish I become a good doctor one day..I wish I could repay what all she has done for me...I just can't die..I can't:'(..Only I am there for Mom..she just loves me..she doesn't love my sister..she does not give  a damn to my new dad...:'(

I don't know what I am going to do now.I just don't have anyone who can understand me.I have so many dreams.I don't think that there is any guy who will be like my dream boy.May be I should not think much.Being single is much better..Nobody can shout at me..nobody can abuse me..nobody can beat me up.It's my life.And I will live for my Mom.I will study for her...:'(

Today,It was a normal day.But in the evening,Jackie came over to pick me up for the girls night out.She picked me up at 5.In the car,there were 3 kids sitting.Tess(2),Tucker and Taylor. I reached her house and played with Tess.I loved playing with her and her dolls.I helped Jackie in opening up the tins.Then Eric(her husband),who's just the smartest man over here,came home from work.That is Tess' favourite time of the day.But she was so happy with me that she didn't go to meet Eric.Then we all sat for dinner.There was turkey soup and corn bread,which were so yummy.My mouth has started watering after thinking about that food:)..:p..Then me and Jackie left the house and went to the Church.Stephany and Jacie picked up the girls they wanted to go with to see the Christmas lights.There was Megan,Sage,Cassie,me,Jackie and Stephany in her car.We went to Starbucks first.I had hot chocolate.

Then we went to see the Christmas lights in the nearby neighbourhood.Stephany parked the car and we walked through all those lights.It was such a nice experience.I never saw Christmas lights ever in my life before that.It was like so good.I felt like I was in the middle of Disney World.Everything was just way too cute.I clicked so many pictures. I walked with Megan.I came to know that we share the same interests.We both like hanging out with friends,exercising,going for walks,dancing,Twilight series,romantic books and movies,cute boys and travelling.She's is one of the best girls I have ever met.She really is the best:)I wish I get admission in BYU , so that we both can hang out together.She will be my junior.But still I love her company<3

She liked Jacob from the Twilight series and I like Edward.That's the only difference:)She thinks that Edward is just too perfect:)

And I like perfect Guys,which don't really exist;)..

When we were at in the card after coming out of Starbucks, Sage dropped her glass and the coffee spilled out.Magen put her hands in her pocket and took out 2 tissues,which were used though.And she told that the tissues were from a restaurant in Italy:) We all burst out laughing.She has been to many places.And it has been a year now that she went to Italy:)

After watching the Christmas lights, we went to the Church.I hugged Magen,Sage,Cassie and Stephany,then came home with Jackie:)

Today,I slept at 7 in the morning.But was awakened by my grandma.But it was good for me as I had to talk with my boyfriend.It won't be a lie if I would say that I have been deprived of sleep from last 3 days.I'm afraid to fall sick.I don't want any ill-ness to ruin my body.Anyways..I started chatting with Shona.He is having his final exams starting from 1st.So I was not sure if he would come online on laptop.I didn't even ask him because I didn't want him to leave his studies and talk to me.He went to wash his face and I went to the kitchen to cook Manchurian.I went to Safeway yesterday.So on the way there's a restaurant.When I passed it down the lane,I could smell and tell that Manchurian was being cooked.That's why I thought of cooking Manchurian at home.I messaged that I will talk to Shona after 10 minutes.But I didn't know that I'll create a mess in the kitchen and grandma will scold me.I was pissed off because my Mom never shouts at me.Then after 50 minutes,as said by Shona(But I don't think so that I took 50 minutes in the kitchen)...I sent him a message and I realised that he was on his laptop.He got angry but then issues were solved.Our chatting went on.I was speaking on the phone and he was replying on messenger.I speak a lot.It's not a joke or something.I genuinely speak a lot.So I was speaking and I don't know what happened,but Shona got pissed off by what all I was saying.The things I was saying were way too stupid.I said that " I want you to be  someone who would make my life like a dream.I want that if I say sun is moon,then you should also say thay yes Baby,its moon.:)I want you to remain with me.I want you to settle down in US.I know that its not possible but may be you'll start loving me so much one day,that you'll come and stay with me.".I think any guy would get angry after listening all this crap.Then I apologised.

While talking to him another thought came in my mind.I don't know why but I felt like I have some mental disorder.A normal person can never behave in that manner.A life can never be a dream.It's not just possible that a boyfriend or husband would do everything according his girlfriend or wife.It's not possible that a guy would leave his own house and settle down with me...I'm crazy.May be I need some medical help.After thinking all this,I told Shona that I will never behave in  this manner again.I know I can't help it.But at least I can try...aah...In the end of our conversation,he showed me photos of my would be sister-in-law's baby.They have named him Ayaan..nice name:)I'm sure that he'll turn out to be a very good boy.Having a father who's a judge and a mom whose a professor,its just so good:)Lucky guy he is..Combination of a judge and a professor..I wonder what he'll become.But I'm just so happy because girls will go crazy after him.Guys with this name are very smart and handsome.I have seen that..I loved his photos.He was wrapped up in a red blanket..his face was red..his lips were red..aww...:)..I've always wanted a guy who has red,orange or pink lips..haha..my dreams!!..But Ayaan's girlfriend is going to be very lucky..I wish I was his girlfriend..:)

You know,I'm still thinking about my dreams...I don't know why I'm like this.I dream just to escape from reality..huh!! I hate myself..A house on hill..living with my boyfriend..just the two of us in that house with no arguments..and only love...Man..I'm stupid!!

Today was not a very good day.I slept at 6 in the morning after having a terrible fight with my boyfriend.I know there was my mistake.But he should not have spoken to me like that.I really felt insulted.I have always wanted that my boyfriend and would be husband should keep me like a princess.I love wearing gowns and small,cute dresses:)I feel I will look like a baby doll in such clothes:)But may be I have a lot of dreams.And some dreams and wishes are not possible to fulfil.Anyways,then I woke up late in the afternoon.But my grandma woke me up a hundred times in between.She did not let me sleep at all.Then I kept on studying the whole day.In the evening my sister called up and told me that my Papa poured petrol in his room.Then police took him.But those morons did not return my father's car keys to him.He came back and slept outside in the park in front of our house.I heard my sister saying that and something went through me inside.I was hurt.I could imagine my papa sleeping in cold weather.I asked my sister to give the phone to him.I really wanted to talk to him.But my step father did not allow my sister to go outside.I was pissed off.Kept the phone and called my Mom.I asked her if I could talk to my dad.But all in vain.I just hung up the phone and cried like hell.I really want to talk to my dad.No matter what all he did with me and my mom,but he's my dad.And will always remain.I'm here in US.Too far away from my home.My life sucks at times.I am having no one with whom I can share my feelings with.It feels like a total shit.I just don't have anyone in life.Sometimes I feel I should die.But I will not do that because of my mom.My boyfriend did not call me.I fee I'm not that beautiful.I will not marry anyone in my life.It's just not worth it.I will remain alone and give world's every happiness to my mom and sister.Whode day was so gloomy for me.But in between the day,Miss Shields messaged me and her daughter Charley also sent me some messages.That was the time when I felt some people are there in my life who really care for me.God bless them both.